More so, some of the most important aspects of our lives, our relationships (whether they be romantic or friendly), are thought to be defined by the way we grew up or were raised. ‘Attachment Theory’ is a psychological framework that looks at the relationship between a person and their caregivers in their early life and how that relates to the person that they have become in their adult life [1].
The Importance of Attachment in Your Life
Of course, a theory of how a person grows up and what makes them who they are is very interesting and maybe even explains certain quirks or personality traits they have, but what does it mean now? Why does it matter for the person someone is today?
The answer to that is in the roadblocks and troubles a person might have in their current, adult relationships. Often, people who struggle with their relationships and keep having problems come up with emotional roadblocks such as self-esteem, openness, or trust, may have symptoms of an attachment style from an upbringing that creates these internal issues [2].
The reason this theory matters is that many people might find themselves struggling with their romantic relationships or closeness in their friendships; you might see patterns in your life of being unable to get close to friends and loved ones, trust them, or even have anxiety in how they think or feel about you when you are not around. These barricades might feel hopeless to some and these patterns might make a person feel frustrated that they can never have a meaningful relationship.
Yet, it’s the opposite that’s true! Understanding the attachment style a person has and working with it, taking a psychological approach to treat the underlying causes and thought processes, has been shown to improve and modify attachment style and move past these emotional stopping points [3].
Types of Attachment Styles
In order to understand the way people interact with you and you interact with the world, as well as which behavioural patterns you exhibit, it is important to understand the different styles of attachment that exist.
The most important aspect across all attachment styles is the prevalence or lack within three categories; Security, Avoidance, and Anxiety-Ambivalence. Different levels of each of these three create different attachment styles that affect the mindset and interactions a person might have in close relationships.
Each category defines how a person thinks or interacts with certain challenges, and many models utilize these basic tenets to conceptualize the styles [4,5]
Security refers to how undistressed or supportive people might be in different situations. Those with a higher security may find more freedom in relationships and feel more support around them or offer more support freely to others. Those with low security might find more situations tend to bother them or leave them in distress, often downplaying the importance of their attachment needs and not communicating in fear of additional negativity.
Lower security might mean a person depends on others for their well-being and positive self-image as they put a lot of worth into the thoughts of others. This can be attributed to growing up with a caregiver that may not have provided a safety net in difficult times or added on to stressful situations.
Avoidance relates to the degree of intimacy a person is willing to have with others. A high level of avoidance may mean a person chooses to not engage with others when the consequences might be aversive or difficult to work through. They may be dismissive or fearful of perceived results to an event and find the best response of self-preservation is to steer away from them at all costs.
Of course, the difficulty or inability to tackle difficult or unpleasant topics can create friction in relationships where these challenges need to be overcome or discussed. A caregiver that was rejecting or unavailable can be the root of this withdrawing and independent personality.
Anxiety, also thought of as ambivalent, describes those that feel embarrassed about their needs and wants in a relationship or nervous/fearful about whether the other person truly cares for them. They struggle with internal feelings of falseness and their self-worth highly rests upon the thoughts of others. They may see boundaries as threats and provoke negative responses and often believe the worst of a situation, needing lots of reassurance and proof otherwise.
Often, this comes off as “clingy” to other people. Growing up, having an inconsistent caregiver who did not always meet one’s childhood needs or was “hot and cold” in their personality, leaving a child often not being fulfilled or having inconsistent attachments.
Of course, these categories are not the definitive view of any singular attachment style and only provide a way to describe patterns in emotions and personalities. Many different theories and psychological treatments come into effect and ultimately a person is not any one thing but rather a mix of different traits that make up who they are and how they see the world. A person with many difficulties in relationships can be anxious, insecure, fearful, or all of the above in different quantities, and even a person who is seen as forming strong relationships might be very secure and avoidant, but still have many anxieties. [6]
Ultimately, attachment styles are more of a gradient or sliding scale and understanding which specific traits one struggles with is the first step of tackling the problems a person can face in their relationships.
Many different psychologists have tried to make different charts that show this scale and how the traits balance out, as shown below. [7]
Working on Better Relationships
Understanding that a person may have an attachment style is not the end-all of the conversation! Rather, it is the first step to self-reflection and working on building a healthier mindset and moving beyond the difficulties of the past.
Tackling the problems and recognizing them when they happen can put you on the path to a healthier mindset, and even talking to a professional like a psychologist has been shown to help permanently change the mindset and move past the roadblocks in your mind. [8] There are different psychological approaches that has shown success working with attachment styles. While the approaches differ, ultimately they all are aimed help those with high attachment anxiety and avoidance to modify their ineffective coping strategy. Psychological treatment can also help to understand the underlying unmet needs that are satisfied by ineffective coping strategy and learn alternative ways to satisfy psychological or emotional needs.
Conclusively, the upbringings we experienced might shape who we are and create patterns in our thoughts or behaviours, but they don’t seal who we are forever. When we can recognize and address the way we think and feel, the easier it is to work on the things we want to change.
Additional Materials
Here is an inspirational video by Dr. Gabor Mate that provides a great explanation on how attachment is one of the most important foundations in our relationships:
References
[1] Bretherton, I. (1985). Growing Points of Attachment Theory. Monographs of the Society for Research in Child Development, 50(1/2), 3-35
[2] Feeney, J. A., & Noller, P. (1990). Attachment Style as a Predictor of Adult Romantic Relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 58(2), 281-291.
[3] Levy, K. N., Ellison, W. D., Scott, L. N., & Bernecker, S. L. (2011). Attachment Style. Journal of Clinical Psychology: In Session, 67(2), 193-203.
[4] Shaver, P. & Hazan, C. (1987) Being Lonely, Falling in Love: Perspective from Attachment Theory. Journal of Social Behavior and Personality, 2(2), 105-124.
[5] Bartholomew, K. & Horowitz, L. M. (1991). Attachment Styles Among Young Adults: A Test of a Four-Category Model. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 61(2), 226-244.
[6] Bäckström, M. & Holmes, B. M. (2007). Measuring Attachment Security Directly: A Suggested Extension of the Two-Factor Adult Attachment Construct. Individual Differences Research, 5(2), 124-149.
[7] Brennan, K. A., Clark, C. L., & Shaver, P. R. (1998). Self-report measurement of adult attachment: An integrative overview. Attachment theory and close relationships, 46-76.
[8] Iwaniec, D. & Sneddon, H. (2001). Attachment Style in Adults who Failed to Thrive as Children: Outcomes of a 20 Year Follow-up Study of Factors Influencing Maintenance or Change in Attachment Style. British Journal of Social Work, 31, 179-195.